Yesterday was a hard day and I get nervous at hard days because what if they keep coming. What if they get harder and harder? Will I run out of energy, will I look to my ED, as I know it is still happily waiting in the wings. Hoping for its triumphant return. I want to win everyday with my ED, but it is okay not to be perfect. Because I am not perfect and this is among the things that I need to understand and accept. People will not think I am a bad person, they will not get mad at me, they will simply love me and try to help me. I should not feel guilt, but hope that today and tomorrow will be better and I will get better. Each day in recovery is another day that I live the life I want and I choose. I live with the happiness of growing health and strength.
I do hate you ED.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 81
Anxiety feels like it is becoming debilitating now that am not taking part in ED behaviors. It is like I lost my escape and my inability to deal with my fears is overwhelming. I am a perfectionist who does not care, but does. I don't feel bad about who I am, I love who I am but I don't want to let other people down. I don't want other people to see me fail. My mind is trying to figure these things out right now. How to separate myself from material, to stop measuring myself against a friendship, a test a degree of being more than I am. I contradict myself, as I am just who i am and I thought i was happy in that. Yet, i prevent myself from happiness because I struggle to be more. I am so uncomfortable with my anxiety, with my fears. I let them rule me and leave me paralyzed.
I will own each moment. There is only now and I must be present in. That if I just stay in this moment then the next will come and the next and I will continue to make progress in my life. I need to live without trying so hard. I am indecisive and I weigh decisions so heavily sometimes it hurts. I want to feel each moment whether it hurts, is sad or makes me anxious. I just need to learn to except these emotions and not look for my escape. I love you self. I will do my best to make you better. I will do the work, i will make the leaps and I will find us a way to become that girl we have always wanted to be.
I will own each moment. There is only now and I must be present in. That if I just stay in this moment then the next will come and the next and I will continue to make progress in my life. I need to live without trying so hard. I am indecisive and I weigh decisions so heavily sometimes it hurts. I want to feel each moment whether it hurts, is sad or makes me anxious. I just need to learn to except these emotions and not look for my escape. I love you self. I will do my best to make you better. I will do the work, i will make the leaps and I will find us a way to become that girl we have always wanted to be.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Day 77
Hello 11 weeks I am happy to make your acquaintance!! I have always wanted to meet you, as I have heard wonderful things about you. I must say you are even more fabulous than I was told. I will definitely recommend you to all my friends as no one should miss out on making it to your door.
Feeling wonderful! Egads, I am almost to 3 months of ED free living. I am stronger healthier and happier than i ever thought possible. It amazes me each and everyday. I started back up in therapy yesterday, I extended my support group, I feel like if I make many more giant leaps forward I might just leap off the end of the earth. You may ask, as my supports have been, why I am starting up in therapy if I am doing so well and have not been in therapy for over a year......and this is because I want to make sure I continue on my path to maintaining recovery. I have never been in this place of recovery before and I am not sure how to handle all the hurdles and I am not sure what hurdles will arise. Yes, I am doing very well.....but, i am mentally exhausted from fighting with ED and if I can learn to fight better I want to learn how. In this way I have someone who knows me, knows my ED and knows so much about ED that I can ask the wonderings that make me worry. I have pretty intense anxiety and now that I am in recovery, I stress about staying in recovery. Haha! I worry about everything ED and my therapist helps me rationalize and dissipate a level stress. I am really looking forward to the ED thoughts mellowing out, a little and a little more :) I miss a mind full of non-ED thoughts, all those life and living thoughts.
Today is a gorgeous day, sunny and breezing and everything autumn. i never feel as at home as I do during fall. It rejuvenates me and I think I could live in its colors and cool-warmness forever. We used to call it long sleeve and vest weather when those first chilly days would sneak in. It is strange how much wonder I feel each year at this time. Another thing to add to my list of reasons that life is amazing and I am a lucky, lucky girl. I will embrace this joy because tomorrow will be another day and I have no idea what that one will bring.
I love you 11 weeks, I can't wait to meet all your friends! Tell 12 weeks I will see her soon!
Feeling wonderful! Egads, I am almost to 3 months of ED free living. I am stronger healthier and happier than i ever thought possible. It amazes me each and everyday. I started back up in therapy yesterday, I extended my support group, I feel like if I make many more giant leaps forward I might just leap off the end of the earth. You may ask, as my supports have been, why I am starting up in therapy if I am doing so well and have not been in therapy for over a year......and this is because I want to make sure I continue on my path to maintaining recovery. I have never been in this place of recovery before and I am not sure how to handle all the hurdles and I am not sure what hurdles will arise. Yes, I am doing very well.....but, i am mentally exhausted from fighting with ED and if I can learn to fight better I want to learn how. In this way I have someone who knows me, knows my ED and knows so much about ED that I can ask the wonderings that make me worry. I have pretty intense anxiety and now that I am in recovery, I stress about staying in recovery. Haha! I worry about everything ED and my therapist helps me rationalize and dissipate a level stress. I am really looking forward to the ED thoughts mellowing out, a little and a little more :) I miss a mind full of non-ED thoughts, all those life and living thoughts.
Today is a gorgeous day, sunny and breezing and everything autumn. i never feel as at home as I do during fall. It rejuvenates me and I think I could live in its colors and cool-warmness forever. We used to call it long sleeve and vest weather when those first chilly days would sneak in. It is strange how much wonder I feel each year at this time. Another thing to add to my list of reasons that life is amazing and I am a lucky, lucky girl. I will embrace this joy because tomorrow will be another day and I have no idea what that one will bring.
I love you 11 weeks, I can't wait to meet all your friends! Tell 12 weeks I will see her soon!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Day 53
I have almost hit the 2 month mark! It is exhilarating to think that I have come all this way, and that I will keep going. I have experienced so much in such a little amount of time. 53 days of eating. I have eaten cake and pizza and drank beer and though I find myself feeling scared and worried, I remind myself that 2 months have gone by and I am stronger, happier, healthier and more centered than I have been in 8 years.
I have found I have time again. Time, hours really, that were being gobbled up (literally) by my eating disorder. The obsessive thoughts, the buying, the eating, the purging, the exhaustion.....these are no longer hours. These are barely allowed minutes (except for the eating....that i do, and do well). I had no idea there were so many hours in the day. So many hours to be living.
I have finally seemed to hunt down the eating disorder blog community. It was elusive when i google searched it, as I am not very search savvy other then google. But, by reading and looking and reading and looking I have managed to find a list of people who are in the midst of recoveries. Or recovered. These are rays of hope for me. These stories, these battle plans, help me to build my arsenal against ED and to fight for recovery. I am very proud of how far I have come. That I am not restricting or binging or purging.
I will stay strong. I will enjoy those new hours of time that I have discovered and I will recover. One day at a time.
I have found I have time again. Time, hours really, that were being gobbled up (literally) by my eating disorder. The obsessive thoughts, the buying, the eating, the purging, the exhaustion.....these are no longer hours. These are barely allowed minutes (except for the eating....that i do, and do well). I had no idea there were so many hours in the day. So many hours to be living.
I have finally seemed to hunt down the eating disorder blog community. It was elusive when i google searched it, as I am not very search savvy other then google. But, by reading and looking and reading and looking I have managed to find a list of people who are in the midst of recoveries. Or recovered. These are rays of hope for me. These stories, these battle plans, help me to build my arsenal against ED and to fight for recovery. I am very proud of how far I have come. That I am not restricting or binging or purging.
I will stay strong. I will enjoy those new hours of time that I have discovered and I will recover. One day at a time.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day 44.....
Day 44. 6 weeks + 2 days. 1 month + 2 weeks + 2days. There are so many ways to write it. Each day that goes by adds on to the math that makes up my recovery. A recovery that starts so simply, so quietly and so scary. Day 1. I did not picture myself here 44 days ago. I wonder if anyone with an ED does. When we enter treatment facilities and our meals are monitored and scored, we are comfortable in loss of control. Or, not comfortable but at least it takes one worry off our mind. Or maybe I should not speak for anyone else because we are all so different. Each one of us has a distinct and perfect fall into ED. So, when I was in treatment I found that I felt relief in knowing i was on someone else's terms. I was happy to play by someone else's rules. there was no room for ED when I was in the treatment center even though that is all we talk about. I have always known I wanted to recover. I just have never wanted to recover as well. (oops forgot to post)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Day 31
I am here. I am here again. Day 31 of binge and purge free, of ED free life. Now, do not think for a moment that my eating disorder is gone. It does not evaporate, disappear or even remain silent. It does not go away and for as silently as it crept in it is certainly loud of being told to leave. Constant nudging and hinting and hoping help my ED to hold on tightly. I am in a state of recovery. In state of recovery that involves discipline and perseverance. The desire to recover must be greater than the desire to hold onto the comfort that has been my eating disorder. To hold onto my waist line and my ability to devour those things that are forbidden in order to hold on to the waist line in my constant fight for something I am not sure why I am obsessed with. I get scared, sad and unhappy when I eat those things that I have forbidden for so long. The sweets, the fats, the desserts and saturation that I long for for no particular reason.
I have fear foods and I am conquering them day by day. This past weekend was fourth of July and it as holidays tend to be.....it was difficult. Food galore, drinks galore and good people to share it all with. I stayed in the moment and I enjoyed all that i was able to do as I was not starving, obsessing over food or worry about binging and purging and not getting caught. Was I upset by food, yes. Were there tense moments with food, yes. It is hard when people are offering you food and eating food and wanting you to eat with them and you want to say no. We went to the 4th of July parade and as it ended, somewhere around 11:30 and after breakfast and before lunch and ice cream was suggested and everyone was in. Except me. It doesn't work for me to indulge when i know i have a full day of indulgence to come. It made me uncomfortable and then my bf and my mom decide they don't want ice cream, or more so they shouldn't have any, if I wasn't because it isn't good for you. It annoys me to no end when people do things based on what I do around food. It was my bf's idea to get ice cream in the first place. I was happy to just go home and have an apple. Did i have cake later, yes. A cake I love that I made and was looking forward to and have not had in some time because it is "not good for me". I have to make my decisions around food early in the day because I don't have a lot of room right now for changes, for alterations. I am not on a food plan, but I am aware of what i eat and drink as anybody is. I just react to it a lot more and plan ahead. But, i am maintaining my recovery, i am eating fear foods, i am not on a food plan and I am enjoying my victories over my ED everyday.
Day 31 feels amazing. My mind is clearer, my body is content, i can exercise without exhaustion and for health, i can breathe much better when i run, my snoring has decreased, my jaw is recovering from overuse, i am sleeping better and my brain is returning to its normal size and function. Finally, I can be healthy and have the life I have always wanted.
I have fear foods and I am conquering them day by day. This past weekend was fourth of July and it as holidays tend to be.....it was difficult. Food galore, drinks galore and good people to share it all with. I stayed in the moment and I enjoyed all that i was able to do as I was not starving, obsessing over food or worry about binging and purging and not getting caught. Was I upset by food, yes. Were there tense moments with food, yes. It is hard when people are offering you food and eating food and wanting you to eat with them and you want to say no. We went to the 4th of July parade and as it ended, somewhere around 11:30 and after breakfast and before lunch and ice cream was suggested and everyone was in. Except me. It doesn't work for me to indulge when i know i have a full day of indulgence to come. It made me uncomfortable and then my bf and my mom decide they don't want ice cream, or more so they shouldn't have any, if I wasn't because it isn't good for you. It annoys me to no end when people do things based on what I do around food. It was my bf's idea to get ice cream in the first place. I was happy to just go home and have an apple. Did i have cake later, yes. A cake I love that I made and was looking forward to and have not had in some time because it is "not good for me". I have to make my decisions around food early in the day because I don't have a lot of room right now for changes, for alterations. I am not on a food plan, but I am aware of what i eat and drink as anybody is. I just react to it a lot more and plan ahead. But, i am maintaining my recovery, i am eating fear foods, i am not on a food plan and I am enjoying my victories over my ED everyday.
Day 31 feels amazing. My mind is clearer, my body is content, i can exercise without exhaustion and for health, i can breathe much better when i run, my snoring has decreased, my jaw is recovering from overuse, i am sleeping better and my brain is returning to its normal size and function. Finally, I can be healthy and have the life I have always wanted.
Friday, July 2, 2010
28 days, 4 weeks, 1 month
It is amazing really, more amazing then I can imagine that I am here. Day 28 of recovery, binge and purge free. I did not have the courage to come here on Day 1, or 10 or 20 because I did not believe in myself enough. Sadly, but after so much experience with my own disappointment in my recovery process I did not know I could do it. I did not have the belief, the pure desire and motivation to recover. I have always had the support, the opportunity and knowledge to make this leap forward in recovery....but, never the belief that I could do it. Now I know I can. Now I have. And now I will continue to recover. Each day is simple and a gift. I appreciate my health and my happiness and my recovery. In 6 months I will have my brain back to normal. 6 months. In these months that lead up to that I will have my body well fed and strengthened, I will have hours to spend with family and friends and doing the things I love because I don't have to worry about food all the time.
I am writing because I wanted to so much to read the details of someone else's recovery. To read the details of many other people's recoveries. I wanted to know that recovery was not only a possibility, but it was now a way of life. I want you to know that you can recover too. That we can all recover if we get the support, the knowledge and the desire to recover. Then, we can. I am writing for myself, but also to give hope and courage to those that have not made that step to recovery or our floundering in there own. I am one more person that has worked so hard and is recoverying. Maybe some of my journey will help you.
There is no magic key. There is no right answer for everyone. Every ED is different, every recovery will be different. But, I do know the longer you abstain the easier it becomes.....or they say that. I think it would be better said the longer you abstain the more you believe you can abstain. You have to allow yourself freedom and hope to recover but, also the diligence to do so. Remind yourself each day that recovery is the way to a better life and a better you.
I am proud of 1 month. It is the longest I have gone since I did outpatient treatment 3 years ago. I am not in therapy but, I have had my share. This is process, it is trial and error and it is understanding how and why to recover. It is not fun, it is not pretty, it is extremely hard and challenging. It is scary. But, the life with bulimia is not a life. You can not have or build a life with bulimia, you can get by and survive....but, you are not living. So, hello life, i have missed you.
I am writing because I wanted to so much to read the details of someone else's recovery. To read the details of many other people's recoveries. I wanted to know that recovery was not only a possibility, but it was now a way of life. I want you to know that you can recover too. That we can all recover if we get the support, the knowledge and the desire to recover. Then, we can. I am writing for myself, but also to give hope and courage to those that have not made that step to recovery or our floundering in there own. I am one more person that has worked so hard and is recoverying. Maybe some of my journey will help you.
There is no magic key. There is no right answer for everyone. Every ED is different, every recovery will be different. But, I do know the longer you abstain the easier it becomes.....or they say that. I think it would be better said the longer you abstain the more you believe you can abstain. You have to allow yourself freedom and hope to recover but, also the diligence to do so. Remind yourself each day that recovery is the way to a better life and a better you.
I am proud of 1 month. It is the longest I have gone since I did outpatient treatment 3 years ago. I am not in therapy but, I have had my share. This is process, it is trial and error and it is understanding how and why to recover. It is not fun, it is not pretty, it is extremely hard and challenging. It is scary. But, the life with bulimia is not a life. You can not have or build a life with bulimia, you can get by and survive....but, you are not living. So, hello life, i have missed you.
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