Blogging scares me, or more so the thought of failing at blogging scares me. Somewhere in my mind I have let a seed of fear manifest and it has been blocking my ability to put words together in comprehensible sentences. I wanted to explain to you how my day has gone, the arrival of my voice here and the actual battle of thought and stress that has finally started to recede and allow me access to write.



My story goes something like this........newly 30 years old. 8 years with bulimia, trying to recover and suffering along the way. I live a charming life, have a charming boyfriend, a charming dog and a large charming family. I have been in search of the the proper treatment for my bulimia for the last 3 years. I did a stint at treatment facility, i have work books, i a peruse websites, blogs, articles, scientific journals, forums and just about anything that gives me hope of recovery. I have tried a number of medicines, meditation, yoga, meal plans, exercise, not exercising, books to find myself, love myself, feed myself. And don't forget the therapy, plenty of therapy sessions, group therapy, family therapy, one on one therapy.....where i am still left asking the question why and how?? Why me? Why this disease?

I am embarrassed by my disease, I can not tell you my name because I can't let people know that behind the woman they see is something else entirely. I know it is not my fault, I have been told plenty of times. But, it is my decision to recover. To give up my addiction, to stop myself from binging and purging. No one understands, even the other people I have met with eating disorders don't understand, or don't want to. I guess I want to understand. I guess I need to understand what is going on in my mind that is causing this need to binge and purge. Ask me if I like my eating disorder and my answer is yes. I feel sick to say it and wonder how you stop when the answer is yes.

So, here I am. Still searching for a way to recover and I saw the movie Julie and Julia and thought maybe as Julie was able to use a blog to motivate herself (haha! to make and eat tons of food :) I can only imagine the increase in sales of Julia Childs cookbooks, considering i bought one myself :) so could i to recover. Maybe if i started talking to the oblivion and at least let out some of the hot air swirling in my head, or at least started to approach recovery in a new way. In a day to day way in which i confront how i feel and how my eating disorder is interrupting my thoughts, as at the moment it would prefer if i stopped writing and would drive to the closest donut shop and purchase a dozen donuts. It is not hunger, it is desire for the physical process of eating and letting my senses numb to the motions and sweetness.

Bulimia rules my life, but not for long. Reading other blogs, forums and chats on eating disorders only leaves me feeling hopeless and sad. Even the few that seem to be released from the clutches of addiction seem in awe of the possibility. I am not your average woman with bulimia but, I really don't think there is an average bulimia sufferer. The events, genetics, behaviors and environments that lead to the present I am in is different from all the eating disorder sufferers I have met, or read about. So, I am looking for MY path back to normal, because I know it will be its own course.

I ask only that you listen oblivion, because I have found my voice and i am much to ponder.