Yesterday was a hard day and I get nervous at hard days because what if they keep coming. What if they get harder and harder? Will I run out of energy, will I look to my ED, as I know it is still happily waiting in the wings. Hoping for its triumphant return. I want to win everyday with my ED, but it is okay not to be perfect. Because I am not perfect and this is among the things that I need to understand and accept. People will not think I am a bad person, they will not get mad at me, they will simply love me and try to help me. I should not feel guilt, but hope that today and tomorrow will be better and I will get better. Each day in recovery is another day that I live the life I want and I choose. I live with the happiness of growing health and strength.
I do hate you ED.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 81
Anxiety feels like it is becoming debilitating now that am not taking part in ED behaviors. It is like I lost my escape and my inability to deal with my fears is overwhelming. I am a perfectionist who does not care, but does. I don't feel bad about who I am, I love who I am but I don't want to let other people down. I don't want other people to see me fail. My mind is trying to figure these things out right now. How to separate myself from material, to stop measuring myself against a friendship, a test a degree of being more than I am. I contradict myself, as I am just who i am and I thought i was happy in that. Yet, i prevent myself from happiness because I struggle to be more. I am so uncomfortable with my anxiety, with my fears. I let them rule me and leave me paralyzed.
I will own each moment. There is only now and I must be present in. That if I just stay in this moment then the next will come and the next and I will continue to make progress in my life. I need to live without trying so hard. I am indecisive and I weigh decisions so heavily sometimes it hurts. I want to feel each moment whether it hurts, is sad or makes me anxious. I just need to learn to except these emotions and not look for my escape. I love you self. I will do my best to make you better. I will do the work, i will make the leaps and I will find us a way to become that girl we have always wanted to be.
I will own each moment. There is only now and I must be present in. That if I just stay in this moment then the next will come and the next and I will continue to make progress in my life. I need to live without trying so hard. I am indecisive and I weigh decisions so heavily sometimes it hurts. I want to feel each moment whether it hurts, is sad or makes me anxious. I just need to learn to except these emotions and not look for my escape. I love you self. I will do my best to make you better. I will do the work, i will make the leaps and I will find us a way to become that girl we have always wanted to be.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Day 77
Hello 11 weeks I am happy to make your acquaintance!! I have always wanted to meet you, as I have heard wonderful things about you. I must say you are even more fabulous than I was told. I will definitely recommend you to all my friends as no one should miss out on making it to your door.
Feeling wonderful! Egads, I am almost to 3 months of ED free living. I am stronger healthier and happier than i ever thought possible. It amazes me each and everyday. I started back up in therapy yesterday, I extended my support group, I feel like if I make many more giant leaps forward I might just leap off the end of the earth. You may ask, as my supports have been, why I am starting up in therapy if I am doing so well and have not been in therapy for over a year......and this is because I want to make sure I continue on my path to maintaining recovery. I have never been in this place of recovery before and I am not sure how to handle all the hurdles and I am not sure what hurdles will arise. Yes, I am doing very well.....but, i am mentally exhausted from fighting with ED and if I can learn to fight better I want to learn how. In this way I have someone who knows me, knows my ED and knows so much about ED that I can ask the wonderings that make me worry. I have pretty intense anxiety and now that I am in recovery, I stress about staying in recovery. Haha! I worry about everything ED and my therapist helps me rationalize and dissipate a level stress. I am really looking forward to the ED thoughts mellowing out, a little and a little more :) I miss a mind full of non-ED thoughts, all those life and living thoughts.
Today is a gorgeous day, sunny and breezing and everything autumn. i never feel as at home as I do during fall. It rejuvenates me and I think I could live in its colors and cool-warmness forever. We used to call it long sleeve and vest weather when those first chilly days would sneak in. It is strange how much wonder I feel each year at this time. Another thing to add to my list of reasons that life is amazing and I am a lucky, lucky girl. I will embrace this joy because tomorrow will be another day and I have no idea what that one will bring.
I love you 11 weeks, I can't wait to meet all your friends! Tell 12 weeks I will see her soon!
Feeling wonderful! Egads, I am almost to 3 months of ED free living. I am stronger healthier and happier than i ever thought possible. It amazes me each and everyday. I started back up in therapy yesterday, I extended my support group, I feel like if I make many more giant leaps forward I might just leap off the end of the earth. You may ask, as my supports have been, why I am starting up in therapy if I am doing so well and have not been in therapy for over a year......and this is because I want to make sure I continue on my path to maintaining recovery. I have never been in this place of recovery before and I am not sure how to handle all the hurdles and I am not sure what hurdles will arise. Yes, I am doing very well.....but, i am mentally exhausted from fighting with ED and if I can learn to fight better I want to learn how. In this way I have someone who knows me, knows my ED and knows so much about ED that I can ask the wonderings that make me worry. I have pretty intense anxiety and now that I am in recovery, I stress about staying in recovery. Haha! I worry about everything ED and my therapist helps me rationalize and dissipate a level stress. I am really looking forward to the ED thoughts mellowing out, a little and a little more :) I miss a mind full of non-ED thoughts, all those life and living thoughts.
Today is a gorgeous day, sunny and breezing and everything autumn. i never feel as at home as I do during fall. It rejuvenates me and I think I could live in its colors and cool-warmness forever. We used to call it long sleeve and vest weather when those first chilly days would sneak in. It is strange how much wonder I feel each year at this time. Another thing to add to my list of reasons that life is amazing and I am a lucky, lucky girl. I will embrace this joy because tomorrow will be another day and I have no idea what that one will bring.
I love you 11 weeks, I can't wait to meet all your friends! Tell 12 weeks I will see her soon!
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