Day 31

I am here. I am here again. Day 31 of binge and purge free, of ED free life. Now, do not think for a moment that my eating disorder is gone. It does not evaporate, disappear or even remain silent. It does not go away and for as silently as it crept in it is certainly loud of being told to leave. Constant nudging and hinting and hoping help my ED to hold on tightly. I am in a state of recovery. In state of recovery that involves discipline and perseverance. The desire to recover must be greater than the desire to hold onto the comfort that has been my eating disorder. To hold onto my waist line and my ability to devour those things that are forbidden in order to hold on to the waist line in my constant fight for something I am not sure why I am obsessed with. I get scared, sad and unhappy when I eat those things that I have forbidden for so long. The sweets, the fats, the desserts and saturation that I long for for no particular reason.

I have fear foods and I am conquering them day by day. This past weekend was fourth of July and it as holidays tend to be.....it was difficult. Food galore, drinks galore and good people to share it all with. I stayed in the moment and I enjoyed all that i was able to do as I was not starving, obsessing over food or worry about binging and purging and not getting caught. Was I upset by food, yes. Were there tense moments with food, yes. It is hard when people are offering you food and eating food and wanting you to eat with them and you want to say no. We went to the 4th of July parade and as it ended, somewhere around 11:30 and after breakfast and before lunch and ice cream was suggested and everyone was in. Except me. It doesn't work for me to indulge when i know i have a full day of indulgence to come. It made me uncomfortable and then my bf and my mom decide they don't want ice cream, or more so they shouldn't have any, if I wasn't because it isn't good for you. It annoys me to no end when people do things based on what I do around food. It was my bf's idea to get ice cream in the first place. I was happy to just go home and have an apple. Did i have cake later, yes. A cake I love that I made and was looking forward to and have not had in some time because it is "not good for me". I have to make my decisions around food early in the day because I don't have a lot of room right now for changes, for alterations. I am not on a food plan, but I am aware of what i eat and drink as anybody is. I just react to it a lot more and plan ahead. But, i am maintaining my recovery, i am eating fear foods, i am not on a food plan and I am enjoying my victories over my ED everyday.

Day 31 feels amazing. My mind is clearer, my body is content, i can exercise without exhaustion and for health, i can breathe much better when i run, my snoring has decreased, my jaw is recovering from overuse, i am sleeping better and my brain is returning to its normal size and function. Finally, I can be healthy and have the life I have always wanted.